Struggling

I'm struggling a bit. Work has been driving me crazy. My ceiling fell down. My grandpa passed away. It's been stressful. I'm trying to get back on track. Back to working out and moving. I'm finally getting my room in order. Threw out a lot of stuff I didn't need. Getting ready for Christmas. Going to clean the living room and if I can the bathroom tomorrow. Going to start working out and eating right again! Going to get weighed in on Saturday. So I'm going to work hard. Going to do some yoga and maybe a walk.

Starting to get ready for Christmas. Going to go Christmas shopping with the bf when I get paid this week. :) Things with the bf are going great. He's doing a lot better. I'm so happy with him. He's my love and I'm so relieved that he's doing better. Makes me smile and laugh at a drop of a hat, even when I'm feeling my worse. I can't stop smiling today for some reason :P

Yay!

Missed my ww meeting. But thats okay, wasn't going to get weighed in anyway. Been on track for the last while. Hopefully I stay that way. Can't wait for Christmas, but I'm nervous too. All the food, but I'm starting to plan the menu. I want to stick to it. At least make some healthy stuff and if I snack on that I'm set. I'm going to work hard working out that week and save my wp for Christmas Eve and Day. :D It's going to work. Think positive. So what are my trials going to be...Christmas Eve...barbeque. Veggie burger...light bun or WW bun. Salad. Veggies and healthy dip. Healthy desserts. Few problems...chips. I like them, but while snack mindlessly on them. If have to buy chips, only buy one bag...not three. Light dips. Nuts...okay, least it's a healthy thing. I can overeat, but they are not shelled so I have to shell them...takes more time, eat less. Candy and chocolate. Hard not to avoid that one...I love chocolate...Quality Street and Lindor...yum...so...maybe...don't open till Christmas Eve?? Starting to formulate the plan...I want to stick to it...And I hope I will. Stratch that...I will stick to it!!

K

Comfort

I've been thinking a lot lately what comforts us. This is kind of controversial, I guess. I don't have a religion. I don't believe in organized religion, God, and really any of that. I am a good person. I don't steal. I don't kill. I don't cheat. It doesn't take me having religion to see that. I don't want to be bombarded with you should be religious and believe in God. I don't want to be judged because I don't believe and I won't judge those who believe. Many of my friends are religious. But, the point of this post is comfort. I know a lot of people have religion and it comforts them. They turn to religion when they have problems, whether it be weight loss, disease, family problems, etc. My boyfriend has MS and is an atheist. Religion doesn't comfort him.

Now I stopped believing a long time ago. And I got to thinking about where I go for comfort. The first answer was obvious. Family and friends. They always comfort me. But then I got to thinking...and I didn't want to admit it even though I say all the time I'm an emotional eater. But FOOD. Food comforts me. When I'm upset or stressed, I want to eat. I like to bake and it comforts me when I bake. I was always a fat kid and used food. Food never says no and food is always your friend. Food is always there for you. So, it got me thinking...how do I switch that? Like I said people go to religion for comfort. But, that's not for me. So where can I go for comfort instead of food?

I like to read and I get lost when I read. But...it's still not the same. Where do we go for comfort when we don't want food as comfort? I love food and I love good food. Maybe I don't have to give up completely food for comfort, but change the way I think about it...I don't know...

My Story

I was always the fat kid. I was picked on and bullied because of my weight. I was slapped, kicked, punched pushed, even spit on because of my weight. All that started the dieting since I was 11 years old. When I went away for college, things got worse. I wasn't living in dorms, but I never had time to cook and would buy lots of junk because I could. My sister wanted to join Weight Watchers right after Christmas and wanted someone to go with her for support. I wasn't go to join, but I loved it. Everyone was so supported and I decided to join the next week. I was 238.6 when I got weighed in that first week and following the program to try it out, I lost 8 lbs. I thought the program was easy. I learned how to eat right and what were the right portions. I thought being a vegetarian, following a program would be hard for me. A lot of diets out there say high protein and low carbs and I can't do that. The points program was so easy for me to follow. I was still able to eat what I wanted and lose weight. I couldn't believe I found a program that worked and that I could stick too. It was so easy to follow. It was a long haul, but I finally reached life time in the summer of 2009. It's been tough, but I finally did it. And I'm not looking back!

Trying...

I'm trying really hard not to eat right now. I'm not hungry...just craving...bored and want to eat. I had 3 mini chocolate bars (used one weekly point). I'm planning on having some popcorn later if I still feel like this. I don't want to eat. It is what the wp are for, but I don't want to use them right now.

On another note, I'm starting to plan food for Christmas. I love Christmas. It's always about food, food, food. On Christmas Eve, we have a huge barbeque. And then Christmas Dinner on Christmas Day. So I'm started to plan things that I can have without feeling like I'm depriving myself. My goal is to stay the same for Christmas. But I will allow myself a 2 lbs gain. Nothing more than that. I think my biggest downfall will be the chips and chocolates. Chocolate is always my downfall. Chips aren't so much, but I love having them at Christmas. Maybe if we only get 1 bag instead of 3 this year...

This Week

Wow...did I ever work hard this week! So when I weighed in last week, I was 4.6 lbs over goal. Not a big deal, but big for me. This week, I tracked everything. Worked really hard on getting the Good Health Guidelines in, including oil. And did most days. Can't be perfect 100% of the time. I worked out a lot. Even when I didn't feel like working out, I did it. I worked really hard. And it paid off. Lost 3.4 this week! Go me!

Long Time

I've been a bit mia lately. A lot has been happening. First off... I made some Mac and Cheese yesterday that was in the Sept. - Oct. issue of the Weight Watchers magazine. I made it before and really like it. This time, instead of tomatoes, I added mushrooms. I really like it. It is a little bland, so I might add some more spice or pepper. I also didn't have all the cheese I needed, so that could've been it too. So if I add mushrooms again, I need to make up for flavor. I also made Ooey-Gooey Chocolate Cherry Muffins from Hungry Girl Book 1, page 177. Second time I made them. They are really good. I like warming them up and putting some fat free Cool Whip on them. Anyway, they are really good if you want something chocolate and cakey. Yummy! Packed full of fiber too. :D

So...what has been going on in my life lately...well...my boyfriend was in the hospital for a few days. He has MS and it was taking a toll on his physical and mental health, so he decided to go in. Which of course means I was upset and stressed out, and I ate. And I ate. Not good for my waist line...or my sanity. I worry a lot about him and finally got him to realize that I'm here for him for the long haul. That just because he has MS and his health is up in the air...and yes it is stressful...that I'm going to leave him. He is the guy I want to be with and as long as he wants me in his life, I'll be there. I love him because he makes me happy and makes me laugh. And when he kisses me or puts his arms around me, I still get butterflies. And to me, even if he ends up in a wheelchair, I'm still going to be there.

Anyway, I got weighed in on Saturday...not great. I'm 4 lbs over my goal. I've discovered something. Okay...wait...first, I bought a 3 month journal and a key chain clicker to help me keep track. I'm going to be so anal with it at first because I haven't tracked in awhile, but if I eat it, I'm going to click it right away...and write it down as soon as I get a chance. My boyfriend's mother was like that could drive you crazy. And I know, but the clicker helped when I was eating Halloween candy. Everytime I had one, I clicked it down. It really helped because I could easily be like "did I have four???? no I only had two." and really had like 5. So this way, I know what I ate. And soon, I'll be able to do just write things down at night or when I can. Or if I know what I'm going to have, I can write it down all before.

Which brings me to planning. I can't plan because I don't know where I'm going to be for supper half the time. A lot of times I'm at my boyfriend's. And I'm a vegetarian, so I'm careful with what I eat anyway because if it came into contact with meat, I can get sick. I'm not a vegan, but I don't eat chicken or fish. I eat eggs and drink milk. I don't eat much at his place and I'm sure his parents and him think I'm anoxeric or way too anal about healthy eating. I know my boyfriend thinks I eat like a bird. But, there's two reasons why I don't eat a lot at his house...or others really. The first is I'm so careful what goes into my mouth. Everyone knows I'm a vegetarian and on Weight Watchers, but sometimes using the same spoon to stir a meat free dish and a meat dish will make me sick. Also, I don't want to ask exactly how it was prepared, so I can account for it. Second, I don't want to be a burden and ask for more if I didn't have enough. Even though they are like family to me and I know I can do that. I can go into their fridge and get anything I want, but I don't like doing that. I don't do it at anyone's house, except like my best friend's. And I don't even do it much at her place, usually only for drinks or I bring my own food because she never has vegetarian food. Anyway, back to what I discovered. If I don't eat enough when I'm out and about, I eat way too much when I come home. I knew this before, but it was confirmed yesterday. I ate way too much! And then I was like...screw this, the extra Halloween chocolate is going into the freezer. And I haven't touched it yet. :D So, as much as I hate asking for more, I'm going to have to start eating more there. I can be careful with what I eat there, they always have plenty of vegetables. Because if I don't, it's going to be worse for my weight loss and maintaining.

Anyway, I'm going to go work out. I'm getting back on track. I have to work on asking for help and food. And I can't ignore writing when I'm feeling stressed. So here's to some better times.

K

Thanksgiving...

came and gone. Soon Christmas will be here. I had to dinners and totally overate, but it was good. I'm getting back on track today and even worked out.

Dinner at my house yesterday was good. We made to Hungry Girl dishes, a stuffing and a bean casserole. Because I'm a vegetarian, I don't eat turkey or the stuffing out of the turkey. I made the bean casserole before (Rockin Lean Bean Casserole book 1); this time I added broccoli and I forgot the water chestnuts, but it was fantastic. Everyone liked it. Even mom and dad who don't really like my healthy food because there's not a lot of flavor. Tons of flavor in the bean casserole.

The stuffing however was my favorite. I'm not usually a big fan of stuffing, but my oh my, it was delicious. I definitely will be making it again. It was in book one.

Who says holiday food has to be unhealthy? I had some potatoes, stuffing, casserole, and salad. Pumpkin pie for dessert, but no way am I given up my pumpkin pie. It's my favorite. :P

Christmas will be here soon and I know I can make our dinner healthy. I love the Hungry Girl cookbooks. So many great ideas. And you can always change them to make it things you like.

Today, I had a healthy breakfast and lunch. My supper wasn't too bad, but I put too much cheese on my gnocchi. Cheese is definitely my downfall. I will have some pumpkin pie soon though. I should definitely measure my cheese. I do over eat it. I love cheese though.

Anyway, I got up when my alarm went off...called work and instead of going back to bed, I did a quick workout. :D Getting back on track! Go me!!!

K

Trying Not to Eat...

As mentioned before...I am an emotional eater. I eat when I'm sad, mad, happy, etc.

Right now...I'm so frustrated and I don't know what to do. I feel helpless and useless when I can't help. And then I feel like I can't offer anything. I also feel pushed away. I know I can't help and there's nothing I can do, but just being there can help. It brings up questions in my mind that I'm afraid to ask. It frustrates me knowing I can't help someone I love. And feeling like sometimes I'm being pushed away...

...But, the thing is...I can't always help those I love...and I have to be there when they need me and back off when they don't...As frustrating as it is for me...I know it is even more frustrating for them. I want them to know that I'm not going anywhere...I'm here for the long haul and I have no regrets about it.

My bf has some health issues and is going through a really tough time right now. He can't sleep and it makes everything worse when you can't sleep. It's tough on him. And I can't help him sleep. I don't know what I can do. I want him to be healthy and get better, but I don't know what else he can do. He's tried everything and nothing is working. I'm useless and helpless. And if I feel that way about myself...he will see that about me too. :S I'm scared for him and what it is doing to him. He says that I'm young and should be able to live my life and not have to take care of him. But, I love him and to quote Kelly Clarkson..."my life would suck without you." I want him in my life and you just don't give up on people you love. My life is with him. I gave up a lot to be with him...and giving up even more when we finally move...And...I don't regret any of that and I won't. Because when it comes down to it, I'm happy. I'm happy with him, even when I get cranked at because he's tired and not sleeping. I just wish there was something I could do...I know he loves me. He'll kiss me as I'm falling asleep just to tell me that and tell me I'm beautiful. I just wish he would realize that he doesn't have to do everything on his own...

**I never needed anyone to make me happy and still don't. I'm perfectly happy on my own too. I'm a firm believer that if I can't be happy on my own, I can't be happy with anyone. But, he makes me happy too and I love him for it.**

Unfortunately for me though...all these feelings tend to make me eat. I have no idea why we turn to food for comfort when we are feeling down...but we do. Food is always around us...and I reach for it when I'm stressed, sick, sad, frustrated, mad, and sometimes even happy. When I overeat, especially with unhealthy stuff, I feel worse. I feel healthy when I eat right and exercise. But when I don't, I feel worse about myself and things in general...that I reach for it again...

Why do we do that?

K

Feeling Down

I overate again today. Ended up having to work longer than expected, so I didn't bring my lunch because I was suppose to work till 5.

I know how good I feel when I eat healthy, but why can't I get back on track...and the truth of it all is that I don't feel happy. I'm at a loss. I'm not where I want to be. I was suppose to move and couldn't because of some medical reasons, which makes my bf unhappy because he doesn't want to be here. Work is getting me stressed out. I'm not getting any calls for subbing. I'm bored because there isn't much to do and what there is to do around here is expensive so I'm not saving any money. My best friend is gone on her honeymoon, so I'm kinda bored when she's gone. I want to do this. I worked hard to get where I am. But.............I just feel like I'm not enough...Am I enough? I have to be enough...I should be enough...but am I?

I don't just mean enough for me. Am I enough for my family and friends? I know I'm not concentrating much on myself right now...I want to be enough for me and my friends and family. I know they'll love me no matter what...but that's not what I mean...

I don't really know :S

Chuga Chuga

I'm slowly, but surely getting back on track. I overate a bit today, but not horribly. I didn't exercise either, but I will tomorrow.

I ran into a neighbor who said how wonderful I look and that I'm doing great at keeping the weight off. I told her it is really hard and I've been having a tough time lately. She said that she wishes her daughter would do something to lose the weight. I was really kind of embarrassed that she would say that and kind of feel sorry for her daughter. Yes, we all wish our family members could be thin and healthy, but her daughter has to do it for herself, not because her mother keeps at her. If anything she's going to be more likely to overeat because her mother sees her as fat. I think it is kind of shameful.

I've had these talks with my mom or my b/f. My mom just wants me to be healthy and knows I've struggled with weight all my life and I was bullied because of it, but she never ragged me on it. My b/f knew me when I was heavy, but we didn't start dating until I lost some weight. But it wasn't because I was starting to lose weight that we started dating. He never comments on what I eat, except for the fact that he sometimes thinks there is not enough of it or that I'm a vegetarian. My entire family is supportive.

Though I do wonder sometimes that if I gain the weight back...how would my life change from what it is now?

Argh!

I need to find my motivation.

Why was I motivated before? And how come I'm not motivated now? I keep eating and not working out.

Why did I want to lose weight?
Because I wanted to be healthier.
I hated being the fat girl.
I wanted to be able to wear great clothes.

And I feel great when I eat healthy...but right now, I don't feel healthy because I'm not eating right. I feel like the fat girl and if I keep this up...my great clothes will be poof!

So I have to get back to that...I have to remember what made me eat healthy in the first place...maybe time to look back at some pictures...

How do I get my motivation back?

K

Biggest Loser

Have to talk about tonight's Biggest Loser. I don't think I have been more moved by an episode in awhile. I missed part of it because I was with the boyfriend, so I missed part of how Tracy got all the power. From what I understand she had to eat to get it. Okay it is a game, but you are there to lose weight, not to eat cupcakes. Yes, it is a game, but this early in the season, come on. But Tracy pulls out 11 lbs. 11 lbs!! WTF!? No one applauds for her because she threw others under the bus. Yes you have to watch out for yourself and play the game, but the first time she's below that yellow line, she's out. They don't want her there. But when you know how it is and how sick these people are...how can you throw anyone under the bus? They all deserve to be there. There are few people I think deserve to go home this season. I like everyone, but Tracy does deserve to go.

The Red and Orange Team went below the yellow line. Two teams that work hard and never cause any trouble. It doesn't seem fair. But the best part of the show was when the Red Team sacrificed themselves so the Orange Team, specially Shay could stay. Seeing them now, they could and did do it at home. Alexandra and Antonie are now a couple. It was so cute at the end. Hehe. I'm just a romantic though.

The Biggest Loser isn't realistic in terms of how to lose weight, but it does teach people what they have to do at home, which is great. And they inspire people. But, they are away from their families and friends, from their jobs. Their life is working out and eating healthy. So, it's hard for me to be like okay, I'm going to spend 10 hours of my day working out. But we can all spend an hour or at least a half an hour. There shouldn't be any excuses. And I should stop making these excuses. I worked hard and I can't throw it all away.

K

Cookie Monster

I think I have it figured out. When I drink, I eat, for like a week. Or at least a few days. There is no satisfying me these last few days. I just want to eat. I need to get out of that. I don't want to eat and eat and eat. I want to eat healthy. But carbs, cheese, chocolate, and all that yummy stuff is more appetizing than salad. Like at work, I just ate chocolate and more chocolate. I can't keep doing this to myself. I worked to hard. A lot of my stress has been lifted so this isn't emotional eating. Or I guess it could be, but I don't feel like it is.

Anyway, I can make my vegetables very yummy and satisfying, so time to get back on track. Chuga chuga!

K

Talks with a Bodybuilder

Talking with a bodybuilder who is dieting for a show has to measure and eat very carefully. It was mentioned how she won't be able to eat anything where we are going anyway. I said I don't think people get too fat from eating too much fruit. She said I would have to disagree with that and wouldn't continue with the same topic.

Yes, over eating anything can cause you to gain weight. But my point is that fruit is healthy and you can easily overeat it, but you have to overeat it to the point that you are stuff. When I measure out my fruit into a cup. That is plenty for me because it is a filling food. I find if I'm going to overeat, if i overeat on healthy foods like fruit and veggies, I can't overeat too much. And eating too many strawberries isn't why I joined WW.

Now I don't like debating, but it does annoy me when people are not open to others. She is closed off with what she does and know that she can't be open to anything else. Which is ridiculous. That is why WW works because they change when new research comes. I might even be totally wrong in this, which is fine, it is what works for me and my body, but I am always open to new information.

K

Noodled Up Zucchini Pancakes

This is the third time I made them. They are from the first Hungry Girl cookbook. I really enjoy them, but my mom doesn't care for them much. Next time I think I'm going to add some garlic. I love garlic. Or maybe some spaghetti sauce for the top. Either or would be good or both. I used whole wheat spaghetti because here we can't get the Tofu Shirataki Noodles (or at least I can't find them), so I improvised. Next time I make them...garlic! I love garlic! And it's good for you.

Good way to use up the zucchini in the garden. I broke out the food processor and grated up a lot of it and froze it in one cup amount. The next zucchini I get out of the garden I'm going to chop into sticks or circles for healthy zucchini sticks.

K

Clean your mind and your life shall follow...

I'm taking a break from cleaning my room. I'm really stressed and not having a good few days. The move has been put off for medical reasons and until we get the bf's health in check, we have to stay put. He feels so guilty about that, but it's not his fault. But, this blog is about my weight loss journey. And I'm an emotional eater. I don't want to give up everything I worked hard for because of a bump in the road. It kills me that I can't do anything for him. But, I'm no good to him if I can't take care of myself. So I'm going to stick to the plan...maybe I should try planning...planning what I'm going to eat...That might work.

K

Hello!

I decided to start blogging...or at least try to start blogging on my weight loss journey, maintaining, and what not.

I have been doing Weight Watchers for over 2 years now. I've lost about 80 lbs and reached lifetime in July '09. I am so proud of how far I've come and how great I feel. But lately I've been having a hard time. Eating whatever I want, eating too much, not exercising, and I want to continue my success, so I'm hoping this blog will help me along the way.

I went to my last WW meeting here for a while. I'm moving and going to have to try and find a new meeting that I like. I think Saturday mornings or Sundays are the way to go for me. And I only have to weigh in once a month because I'm lifetime. The move is already stressful, but I'm hoping once I get up there and get settled, things will look a little brighter.

I'm also going to use my blog for recipes. If the recipes are copyrighted, I can't post them on here, but I can tell you where to find them. I use Hungry Girl and Weight Watchers cookbooks a lot, so I'll tell you all what recipes I enjoyed and what I didn't, what I would change what I didn't change, what I will do differently next time and ways to make it better.

Anyway, that's it for now. We have our community fair today and I'm working at 5, and heading into the bfs right after, so I have a busy day a head of me.

K