:(

that is all


:(


i feel so useless. i want to get on track again. i want to move and be happy. why can't i? why do i feel like this all the time? i just want to cry...i'm so frustrated.

Grrr....

I NEED to get back on track. Having such a hard time. I'm not sleeping well. I'm tired all the time. I'm stressed. I'm falling off the wagon.

I worked out a bit this week...and after I did, I felt GREAT! I felt awesome! I went out to BP last night to watch the UFC. And I ate. But, I only had one drink. I could've drank more. But I didn't want the calories and I didn't want to get drunk. One drink quenched my thirst and then I drank loads of water. And more water. And more! So it was a plus. The pizza I eat is slightly healthier because it's vegetarian. PLUS for that!

But, I'm really struggling. Struggling with eat and working out...it's tough for me right now. I don't know why I'm not motivated. I'm just not feeling it. Well...I guess I know why. I'm in such a rut. And really not all that happy. I need to get out and be on my own. I need to work. I need to have a life, that's exciting and different. I'm feeling kind of useless really. And it sucks. :(

Marriage

Marriage has been coming up lately. Everywhere I look...marriage...weddings...engagements... babies. It's all coming up.

I used to want to get married. Then I started getting older and was thinking maybe I won't get married. I didn't really want to do the whole planning thing. Seemed like a lot of trouble. More than it's worth. It started when my sisters got married. Trying to please everyone. Then I found that guy. The guy I want to be with. I never needed a boyfriend. Always was fine by myself. But, I do like having someone in my life too.

So, that being said...why do I not want to get married? I've been doing a lot of thinking about this and it kind of escalated when my best friend got married. I decided then I didn't want to. It was really stressful for me. But then...thinking more and more about it...and my best friend pretty much planning my wedding. The reason why I don't want to get married is I don't want to get divorced. It's a bit less messy if I change my mind about being with my boyfriend than if I marry him and have to get divorced. That and I don't want someone to feel like they are stuck with me. Which is why I don't want to have kids. I don't want someone to feel like they have to stay with me because of the kids.

A lot of people get divorced and I don't want to be one of them. If I get married, I want to do it for love, not because it's time or it's the next step. I want to get married for love. Not because of the legal benefits. That's not romantic. That's just...I don't know...just totally unromantic.

I don't mind being called "wife". In fact, my boyfriend calls me that sometimes. I really don't mind...Kinda like being called his wife...but I don't know if I want that whole paper thing. Why do I need to spend crap loads of money for a wedding when he already calls me his wife and treats me with nothing but love? Would making it official change everything? And again...spending all that money for a divorce in the end? Plus, I'm an atheist, so it wouldn't be in a church.

Anyway...this has been on my mind a lot lately. It seems like everyone around me is getting married and having kids...Part of me feels like, I'll never have that, but then it's because I don't want it. I need to get out of here for a while me thinks and get a few more grown up friends. Get around people where I do feel so lost and out of place. People expect me to get married here...maybe elsewhere they won't. It won't be such a bad thing not to get married. Here's it just like everyone expects me too and I'm afraid that it'll just end bad. I'm not religious...I don't have benefits or anything. But I will eventually...what reasons are there to get married? Yes you can celebrate your love...but do you need a wedding to do that?

Dear...

Dear Step-Grandmother,

My family let you into our lives. We never tried to shun you or hated you. It was hard seeing Grandpa with someone after Grandma passed away...but you never tried to take her place. Others weren't as opening as we were. I never got to know any of my grandparents well because I was born farther away...so you were like the grandma I got to know. I loved you like a grandma. You treated me like a granddaughter, but never expected or even asked to be called Grandma. You knew that name was reserved for someone else. I always thought that if I couldn't have my own Grandma, you were the next best thing.

Now...I don't think you considered us family at all. That you were just waiting for Grandpa to pass away. Now that he has...there's no contact. There's no acknowledgment. I treated you with nothing, but love and understanding. And we get nothing. When Grandpa died, he was my last living grandparent...and I thought well, I still have you who is like a grandmother to me. What a mistake that was. I have no grandparents left and don't consider you a part of our family anymore. This nonsense with the will...I never thought you would be that greedy and that deceiving to people who let you in with open arms.

I am so disappointed and sad in your behavior during this time. I thought you considered us and me as family...I guess I was wrong.

K

V-Day

This year...

I'm not single...I haven't been completely unattached other Valentines Day, but this year...officially I am not single. In fact, I'm very much in love with my boyfriend. I consider myself very lucky to have him in my life.

When I was single, I hated Valentines Day. It was just a reminder of how much of a loser I am because I didn't have a boyfriend. Most years I didn't even want one...it was just this day, everyone saying I love you and getting gifts. Me...I got nothing. I got crapola!

Now...today I got chocolate...Lindor Chocolate. My favorite. And you know what? I still hate Valentines Day. It's a crap holiday. My boyfriend didn't have to get me something, but he did and I appreciate that he did, he made the effort. But come on! It's crap!! Completely crap!! It's a stupid ass holiday that is supposed to be romantic, but isn't even really romantic at all! I have to be romantic because it's the most romantic day of the year!! What's so romantic about having to be romantic because the girlfriend or wife expects? I want my boyfriend to be romantic because he wants to be and because he loves me and because it's spontaneous. I remember the day he wrote me a song and played it for me. That was romantic! And there wasn't any special reason. He wasn't forced to do it. It wasn't my birthday. He just did it out of the blue for me and I melted. Coming into bed and kissing me and putting his arms around me and telling me I'm beautiful. That's romantic. Valentines Day is the most unromantic holiday.

Maybe I'm bitter because I never had a good Valentines Day. This one wasn't bad, but it was nothing special or different. It was just another day for me. I just see Valentines Day as a pointless holiday and I guess in a way...a let down. It's never a good as it shows on TV or in the movies :P .


On another note... GO CANADA GO!!!!!

Baking

I made three recipes out of the Hungry Girl cookbooks/recipe cards. Dreamy Chocolate Peanut Butter Fudge, Big Fat Blueberry Muffins, and Mug ‘o Pumpkin Crème. For supper I made a Mac and Cheese. It was healthy. Basically skim milk, cheddar cheese, little flour for the sauce and bread crumbs on top baked in the oven. I added some vegetables though to make it more filling.

So on to the recipes.

Dreamy Chocolate Peanut Butter Fudge - I made it before. It's yummy! I added a little less pumpkin because I found when I made it before, it tasted to pumpkiny. But it may be not getting the exact ingredients here. It's in the first HG book and recipe cards. Try it! It is so good! Beyond good!

Big Fat Blueberry Muffins - I didn't have apple sauce, so I added just a bit of pumpkin so it wouldn't be too dry. Anyway, they turned out good. I think I would perfer them with apple sauce, but I liked them and will make them again. Not too sweet. And loads of blueberries and a good size too.

Mug ‘o Pumpkin Crème - Omg. It's like drinking pumpkin pie. And I love my pumpkin pie. PIE!! It's great for a cold night. Easy to make and something different when you don't want tea or hot chocolate.

Hungry Girl has the best recipes. They are all about flavor. Everything tastes great. I'm a vegetarian and even the recipes with meat in them, I can change them for things I like. Even when I sneak things to the bf or my family members, they like them. Healthy and tastes great. It feels like you are cheating when you're not. She does use Splenda instead of sugar. I don't use Splenda for two reasons: it's kind of expensive and I'm a little leery on it. But I just use real sugar and change points or calories. If you want to eat healthy, but don't want to sacrifice taste, definitely get the Hungry Girl Cookbooks and recipe cards.

My next post will talk about my lack of sleep. I will get to it tomorrow hopefully.

Till then :)

K