Letting Go

Letting go is an issue for me. I hold on to things. Feelings, thoughts, possessions. You name it, I hold on to it. I tried letting go of certain things in my past...but I seem to not be able too. One in particular is friends. Some friends got mad when I was planning on moving with the bf before the health issues happened. So things are a little awkward now. One is home from away and hasn't messaged me or let me know that he is home or to hang out. And he hasn't the last few times. Yet, it will be my fault if we don't hang out. Me and my other best friend have been asking the other best friend to go to Zumba with us. And she goes, but she doesn't ask me to hang out other times. But yet, it'll still be my fault. I just don't have much fun with these friends anymore. We don't have much in common. I want to do different things and all I feel is like they are judging me. Who I am going out with? Where I want to live? It doesn't matter. I am happy. Who cares as long as I am happy! Which is why I love hanging out with the previous mentioned best friend because we have so much fun together and can go on adventures and have good times. Just us or double dating. It's fun either way, but I don't have fun with my old friends. Me and the bff having been talking about how we can get the other one out more because she doesn't have many friends besides me, which is why I feel like I'm the bitch for letting them go. Dunno...we don't even talk. We have nothing to talk about. Nothing. **shrugs** It's the same things over and over again. I need more in my life...and I think moving is going to be good for me. I can't wait for that. It'll give me a chance to let go and see them on my own terms. I don't want to cut off all contact, but I don't want it to be my fault either. And I know they are all going to blame me. That's what I don't like. They don't take responsibility for anything. I am to blame for some of it, but not all of it. At least I can do that. They can't.

Because of this I feel like it's affecting my eating and exercising. I'm not motivated because I'm not happy. I'm not happy with being here or with certain things or people. Because I'm not happy and feel like I'm in between a rock and a hard place. Until I'm less stressed and more happy...my motivation is going to wane... **sigh** letting go is so hard.